On the first day of Christmas the cosmos gave to me
An Uncle with progressing dementia

He has a good sense of humor. We laugh about it.
On the second day of Christmas the cosmos gave to me
Two loved ones in the hospital that I have to go visit

This. Is. Grandma. I mean, not the picture, but the description. She would totally do this, but with a few eff bombs dropped in for good measure.
And an Uncle who doesn’t remember today is Monday, not Sunday…no church.
On the third day of Christmas the cosmos gave to me
Three more things I forgot to wrap last night
Two loved ones in the hospital that I have to go visit
And an Uncle who just lost his pants again.
On the fourth day of Christmas the cosmos gave to me
Two kids to get ready for school plus two packs of brownies to bake at 6:30 in the morning


Three presents staring at me like, ‘Whatcha waiting for?’
Two loved ones in the hospital that I have to go visit
And an Uncle who poured three different cups of coffee so far.
On the fifth day of Christmas the cosmos gave to me
Five rooms that need to be cleaned yesterday
Two kids plus two packs of brownies that are in the oven but are STILL not done
Three presents that may get rolled in tissue paper
Two loved ones in the hospital that I have to go visit
And an Uncle who just said, “Who’s that?” when my son ran by.
One the sixth day of Christmas the cosmos gave to me
A six foot tall pile of paperwork I haven’t filed all year

Five rooms to be cleaned and I should start with the fridge and whatever that stain is
Two kids plus two packs of brownies that are finally done but I have no plate to send them in on
Three presents that might just get tossed in the box, ’cause Santa doesn’t wrap, does he?
Two loved ones in the hospital that I have to go visit
And an Uncle who claims to know the men in the Tandy catalog.
On the seventh day of Christmas the cosmos gave to me
Seven more minutes until its time to take the kids to the bus stop

A six foot tall pile of paperwork that would make good kindling
Five rooms I might clean tomorrow
Two kids plus two packs of brownies that are going in this pan and I’ll just hope someone returns it
Three presents I got to take the tags off of
Two loved ones in the hospital that I have to go visit
And an Uncle who is wasting all my precious coffee…
On the eighth day of Christmas the cosmos gave to me
Eight hours to get this grimy pair of bibs washed for the husband
Seven more…no five more minutes until the children get on the bus and out of my hair
A six foot tall pile of paperwork that makes me think we should save more trees and not send this crap home
Five rooms that aren’t getting done this week. Maybe next week
Two kids plus two packs of brownies that I’ve got to figure out how to cut nicely into 26 pieces
Three presents and one’s for a dog so I so don’t have to wrap that
Two loved ones in the hospital that I have to go visit
And an Uncle who just made a record of times to go in and out of a house in under five minutes.
On the ninth day of Christmas the cosmos gave to me
Nine more hours to go until the husband wakes up and has to run off to work eight days straight

‘Cept there’s no tie involved in his work…more like hard hats and cranes and stuff.
Eight hours to try to remove…What is that?…off his bibs
Seven minutes…no now it’s ten minutes of freezing outside while the bus doesn’t come
A six foot tall pile of paperwork that I’m thinking of turning into origami
Five rooms that if I just get the living room and bathroom done, no one will notice the others
Two kids plus two pans of brownies that I’m going to have to drive to the school…and I should get out of my sweatpants for this
Three presents I’ve got to figure out what I’m doing with, ’cause it’s almost time to box and ship them
Two loved ones in the hospital that I have to go visit
And an Uncle who is hiding things in his truck again.
On the tenth day of Christmas the cosmos gave to me
Ten times of hearing the Kid’s Bop Shuffle

Nine hours until grumpy gets up and I have no idea what I’m feeding him tonight
Eight hours to…maybe I’ll just spot clean them. That’s a big spot…
Seven plus ten minutes to get to the school in my car that isn’t warmed up
A six foot tall pile of paperwork that I want to try swimming in like money, just to pretend
Five rooms that seven people trample through all day, so give me a break
Two kids plus two pans of brownies that I took to the school while the principals and receptionists eyeballed the box like, ‘I’m in 2nd grade today’
Three presents…I got to get the blanket washed, too. And wrap the monkey, so let’s make it five.
Two loved ones in the hospital that I have to go visit
And an Uncle who I think just cussed out the guy in the TV…again.
On the eleventh day of Christmas the cosmos gave to me
Eleven recipes on Pintrest I swore I’d try this year

Ten times of hearing, “To the left, to the left, to the right, to the right, now kick, now kick, now kick, now kick…”
Nine hours until I lose him for a week and by the end of it he’s grown a beard and I am looking at him like, Who are you?
Eight hours to dump those bibs in the tub and spray with Febreeze until the stains melt
Seven people who stop me on my way out of the school and I got rid of the kids…I want to go home
A six foot tall pile of paperwork that…let’s face it, will still be there tomorrow
Five rooms and only one is decorated for Christmas, we can use the front door and let people squeeze by the tree
Two kids plus two pans of brownies that I took to the school…and forgot to take napkins
Three piles of things to ship to my brother and I wonder if he’ll get it in time
Two loved ones in the hospital that I have to go visit
And an Uncle who used my Garnier hair repair oil yesterday…he’s bald.
On the twelfth day of Christmas the cosmos laughed at me
With twelve mental breakdowns left to go

Eleven recipes on Pintrest…hell, everything’s on Pintrest and ain’t nobody got time for that
Ten times of saying, “CHANGE THE SONG”
Nine hours until the husband wakes and works on a week long zombie impression that could fool the Walking Dead cast
Eight hours to…I promised I’d get them clean -whines-
Seven minutes of talking to the vice principal, but leaving with a smile ’cause he said I was doing a good job with the kids
A six foot tall pile of paperwork that I’m just going to yank the kiddo’s artwork out of and trash the rest
Five rooms and maybe a day at a time…next year?
Two kids plus two pans of brownies that I took to the school and they’ll eat them with their fingers anyway
Three piles of things to ship to my brother and get all sappy because he won’t be home with us this year
Two loved ones in the hospital that I have to go visit
And an Uncle who thankfully can still make me laugh.
Merry Christmas.