31 Reasons Why

I promise we’ll be getting back to the Five Truths and a Lie game and that I will finish what I started and the lie will be revealed.

But today is a special day.

And so I must celebrate.

Today is the husband’s 31st birthday.

I will celebrate.

I will celebrate because it is an odd number, and we all know how I feel about those.

I will celebrate because he is officially in his 30’s and I am still, hahahaha, in my 20’s. Late 20’s. Almost 30’s. But not 30’s.

I will celebrate because like a small child he wants a confetti cake with confetti icing and that crap is too sweet for even me, so I won’t gain a pound from this cake, because it is one cake I don’t want to eat.

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Hun…can we please grow up beyond confetti cake? Please.

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And so, because I love him and because it is an odd number and I like odd numbered lists, I am giving him, and also you, the 31 Reasons Why I Love the Husband Today.

Why just today? Why not every day? Because every day brings new reasons. And because sometimes, what I loved yesterday…annoys the crap out of me today. Let’s be honest.

31 Reasons Why I Love You Today

1. Last night you made me watch Alien (for the first time) and when the creepy facehugger thing popped onto that guy’s mask and turned him into a living incubator…you crawled a hand across my face and almost made me piss myself.

This is not okay.

This is not okay.

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2. This morning we were working with our son to teach him math. When he got an answer wrong, you comforted him by saying, “It’s okay. Mommy didn’t know it either.”

3. We have a very real communication problem: our understanding of what the act of wearing shorts means. I put on shorts because I am hot and want to sleep comfortably. Because I put on shorts, you believe I am saying, “I’m obviously horny and want sex.”

4. Texas Roadhouse posted pictures of their rolls this morning on twitter. When I complained that it wasn’t fair to torture us, and they aren’t even open yet, you said, “Well, if you’d just figure out the recipe already it wouldn’t be such a big deal.”

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5. I’ve been working on a master plan to get your mother’s apple cake recipe. You concocted one of your own: Asking her for it.

6. When you are sleeping and I climb into bed next to you, you perform the most loving of actions. You roll over, put me into a headlock and growl. It may be the adrenaline pumping in an effort to keep me from realizing I’m suffocating, but those romantic moments make bedtime so special.

7. Last night you explained Predator to me. Your face like up like a little boy and I realized you were having your Dorkraki moment. Go ahead. Tease me again.

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8. When the Family Guy episode came on where Brian does mushrooms, you looked at me and said, “Is it really like that?”

*Side note: I never once….I repeat…never once did mushrooms. Thank you.

9. I explained the moment of conception through battle terms and compared your sperm to a horde of Zerglings.

10. You’ve never read my blog.

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11. When you are playing your games you mumble phrases like, “Death is my bitch” or “My mind is full of bacon”.

12. You’ve also never read my books.

13. I once asked you to read to our son and he brought you Mr. Brown Can Moo, Can You? You shot me a glare after every page.

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14. I was lying next to you when you grumbled, “Shit. You whore.” I knew there was a Banshee on the screen and gave you a comforting pat on the back.

15. You know I am ticklish and so put a finger into my armpit and tell me not to laugh or you’ll tickle me. This is an impossible request. You jerk.

16. You tell me to shut up during sex.

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17. You have never once questioned the fact that I am submissive with you…even when I go all fembot on someone else.

18. “The foot is down” has become your catch phrase. If you were a superhero you would say it whenever you entered a fight.

19. You were right about Batman…and Ghostrider…and you fooled me into thinking you’d let them watch Predator, but you knew better.

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20. You take a relatively difficult concept and break it down in seconds. I try to explain Global Warming to someone, you say: “Basically there’s this shit called ozone that protects us and we are some trashy motherfuckers, so now the place is a wreck and the temperature is going to get all whacked out until we all die in a fiery VolNadoCane of Doom.”

21. You voted this year.

22. You voted the same as me this year.

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23. You still ask me to play video games with you. Even though I can’t aim. Or walk and shoot at the same time. Or actually hit anything. Or not die.

24. You showed me how to buy dye so my character could be color coordinated in Diablo.

25. You buy me rubber duckies. Therefore my addiction is your fault.

He gave me this one for Christmas.

He gave me this one for Christmas.

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26. You buy me shoes. A lot.

27. I told you I was going on a diet and you looked at my thighs and butt and said, “If those go away, I go away.”

28. Your hair is prettier than mine.

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29. When people come up and say to you, “Your children are beautiful” and you say, “Thanks” while I’m staring back and forth between your awesome tan and my children’s veins shining through their oober pale skin. Whaaaa?

30. You were smart enough to marry a good lady when you found one. Yep. Smart man.

31. Yesterday, I read our son that lovey dovey book that makes him smile and makes you tease him. So I’ll give you the killer line:

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Reasons to Stay Silent

I’ve been away…not really away, but away from my blogging. I’m sorry. Really, I am. It’s not that nothing blog worthy has been happening. No. It’s just that every time I sit down to work on this I get slammed with this sense of “Goooooddddddd….I’m so tired.”

And I am.

I’m exhausted.

There is a big difference being pregnant at 28 and pregnant at 20.

Not that I would know.

I am not 28.

-Denial.-

The kids have kept me busy. A couple of weeks ago were parent teacher conferences. This is the first time I’ve gone to one for my son where he didn’t get to tag along. Kindergarten is so much more “real” school than Pre-K…So when I told him where I was going, naturally, he panicked.

Naturally?

For my son…I get it. He gave me the whole run around. “Why are you seeing my teacher?”, “I didn’t do anything.”, “I got fives.” (The equivalent of A’s that they are scored with every day).

The best though:

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Oh, my poor child. I use that excuse so often, I can’t very well overdo it. The funny part was, his report was good. I mean, other than dealing with the fact that my son is a bit of a follower…as in, “Oh look, that kid’s screwing up. I’mma do what they did.” Other than that, he’s just fine.

So we followed up the week of the conferences with the weekend of the birthday party. Or the unbirthday party that is. My daughter wanted an Alice in Wonderland themed Mad Tea Party.

In my defense…I started planning for this before I knew I was pregnant. I went out and bought boxes full of junk pieces of tableware and teapots from Goodwill and other thrift shops. I ordered giant playing cards and fake flowers and all sorts of junk to make this tea party really seem off the wall.

I may have actually gone a bit mad.

It was a success though and hopefully one she will remember for a long…long time. Because I am never doing that again. I can’t even count the number of hours spent in set-up down in the church basement. At night. Alone. Creepy.

I still have things to put away from that party.

But this week has been uneventful. In fact, today was the only real highlight. The husband got his new Xbox One. -Cue laughter at watching a grown man act like a kid at Christmas.- I knew it would be this sort of day when I woke and saw his friends had posted more pictures of the new Xbox on their Facebooks then they had pictures of their current girlfriends. And my husband, being the sort of man he is, and knowing me so well, tells me before he leaves for work, “Hey, if you want to use it just tell it ‘Xbox On’. It’ll come right on.”

I was amazed. Not that I let him guess that. I told him I had no reason to use it and he batted out words like ‘Netflix’ and ‘Hulu’ and I shrugged as if I had no interest.

It’s an electronic piece of equipment that would respond when I spoke to it. Of course I wanted to play. So, I wait until later in the evening and the Xbox and I had some one-on-one time.

Me: -Wonders- Xbox on.

Xbox: -Lights Up-

Me: Crap. It’s on. Okay. Xbox off.

Xbox: –Does nothing.-

Me: -Turns on the TV, sees start screen.- Xbox off.

Xbox: -Nothing.-

Me: Shut down. Xbox shut down. Xbox turn off.

Xbox: -Blatantly ignoring me now.-

Me: -Sees a thing that says ask for “Xbox Help” for tips.- Xbox help.

Xbox: –Sign shows up- Can’t access help from here.

Me: Of course we can’t. -Spends ten minutes finding four controllers, all of which belong to the 360. Two of which have no batteries in them. One is the kid’s and the other…- Shit. I grabbed a controller to play with the kids earlier. -Runs out and grabs controller, thinking if it is the new one and she used it with the kids on the old living room Xbox he is going to kill me. Pushes buttons on it, since it has batteries.-

Xbox IN THE LIVING ROOM: -Turns on.- DING.

Me: You have got to be kidding me… -Runs out, sees old Xbox on and turns it off. Admits defeat and texts the husband.-

 

Husband: -Acts like his Xbox and ignores me.-

Me: -Finally finds the new controller and shuts the thing down. Texts the husband- I am never speaking to that thing again.