My Crowning Achievement – Or Basically How Life Kicks My Ass on the Regular

For those of you who have commented/messaged/called me, I am getting back to the Crockpot story soon. It will probably be in weekly installments. Not because I particularly want to draw the story out and torture you, but because let’s face it. . .this was not an easy time in my life and going back to write about it puts me into a dark, dark place.

And I don’t always need to put myself in dark places.

Sometimes, life in all its wonders, puts me there all on its own.

Not sometimes. . .often. . .normally. Entirely too damn much.

Life doesn’t push me one step back; it sends me back to the very beginning of the dance.

I should have know how yesterday was going to go after getting the phone call that told me that we weren’t going to be able to get my uncle into the nursing home. So we are back to the drawing board of trying to find a suitable, safe environment that is capable of taking care of him.


Life likes to make what should be a simple task something that consumes hours of my day.

I should have known after that hectic morning that going to go to a dealership and work on getting a car was a bad idea. I should have known better. Really. Instead, I hauled my butt down there and prepared for what I thought should be simple.

The husband and I had already spoken to our salesman the day before.

We knew exactly what vehicle we were going to look at.

We did not want to look at any other vehicles.

We knew the sale.

We knew our credit scores.

We knew the Blue Book value.

We knew exactly what we would put down and what we could pay.

Easy, right? So while the husband slept, I went down there and got to work with the salesman.

“You can pretend you are hearing my voice, but I am speaking for my husband,” I told him. He brought me back a deal that was not at all what the husband had said.


Life gives me morons like some kind of demented life sprinkles.

I pushed the paper back and again explained, for the last time, that this was the deal we would make. End of story. He asked if I wanted to call my husband and run the deal past him, and I attempted to make sure that he understood that the husband was sleeping and waking him for something I already knew he wasn’t going to agree to was akin to suicide.

He brought me another deal that was not what we wanted and asked me to call my husband.


I sent him back with a barely concealed eyeroll.

Life gives me moments of triumph as a sort of tease.

We got the deal. He handed over a paper that had lower numbers on it then what I had said. I was ecstatic. I was elated. I had conquered the car dealership on my own. . .with no big, bad man support. . .and I got a better deal then my husband had thought possible. I took my time taking that paper from him, as if I were still considering it.


Did I mention life gives me idiots?

After five hours of being there the van was half mine. It wouldn’t officially be mine until we got it home and the husband signed the paperwork. The salesman drove the van, with all the papers in tow, and followed me home. I called the husband and woke him as we were getting ready to pull in the driveway, so he could come out and see my crowning achievement. I was so stinking proud of myself, I couldn’t stand me.


The husband comes outside, in his pajamas and long hair all over the place looking like some metalhead after a long night raging. The kids piled to the doorway, my mom came outside. I pulled in and the van pulled in behind me. I got out of the car and turned around as my mother said:

“The van is smoking.”

The van was smoking. Billowing, spewing smoke from the tires.


The husband was angry. The husband started spewing his own smoke in the form of words I was glad the kids were far enough away to not hear. The man kept saying that there was an issue with the emergency brake. It was sticking. He’d noticed it as we left the dealership, but thought it would get better.

So he drove it 18 miles messed up.

The husband was beyond angry and for my own personal safety, I just backed up.


My crowning achievement was spewing smoke.

My trophy was stinking up a storm.

He thought they’d screwed me over. He thought they had taken advantage of his wife.

No, hunny.

They just gave me a moron to work with.

So the van sat there, with the salesman inside while he waited for a tow truck to come get it so they could fix whatever is wrong and then try to sell it to us again.

My dad came home and saw the man in the van.

I told him I bought a salesman today.

He didn’t believe me that this idiot had actually been my salesman.

When he finally was gone, the husband had a long talk with me about the list of demands if they wanted us to consider taking this thing off their lot. It’s a long list. I’m going to tell them again that I am speaking for my husband, except I’ll probably use less profanity. They should consider themselves lucky at this point.

Life kicks my ass. 



Herstory Lesson: If it seems like something good is happening, hold on. It may be fine. . .but shit might get real, real fast.


33 responses to “My Crowning Achievement – Or Basically How Life Kicks My Ass on the Regular”

  1. What an idiot. I was waiting to hear that he called you “little lady” or something as cloyingly condescending as that. I hope your demands are met and that they don’t give you any gruff.

    I’m sorry about the set back with your uncle. I hope something opens up soon.


    • He didn’t call me any of those condescending terms. . .but I was prepared for them. I don’t take kindly to any of those words from anyone’s mouth but the husband’s.

      And thank you. We’re keeping our fingers crossed over here.


  2. Life is full of morons. But you rocked it. You made that salesman walk around with the cone of shame. Yeah you did.admit it. he was flushed red knowing he screwed up. driving around with a bad break. I bet my tail feathers your kids know that is dumb.

    You nailed it, him. ookay that did not come out right.
    And yeah this deserves a glass of wine. and a warhamer from the metal band to show up at the next salesman.

    i will staple your tie to the desk if you try to screw me again. haha you go Woman


  3. Funny post – I enjoyed it. It is so true that just when you figure you got life by the tail, it bursts into flame (or smoke) and has to be towed away.Ha! Thanks for the chuckle.


    • I’m only thankful that life gave me this sense of humor to go along with all the wonderful smoke bombs it throws my way. Glad you enjoyed it!


  4. And yes why do they make it so hard for a person to have a formidable life in his/her last years.
    Hope things will improve though never easy to just decide something this big. It has a bitter after taste somehow those words. Putting them (away) in a nursing home. yes how often do people use that word away.
    keep smiling lady. I think what you are doing rocks and isn’t an easy task


  5. What a freaking moron. He “hoped it would get better?” I wouldn’t trust a damn word out of his mouth, and tell him so. Ugh, I’m so sorry, I hate when life conspires to drop multiple wave of shit upon you at one time. I hate hearing this about your uncle’s nursing home placement too… I hope something pans out soon.


    • Thanks, hun. And the husband was very clear with the man, finally. “We aren’t buying the van. Eff off and stop calling.” They are finally leaving us be about that thing. Yay! One victory down.


  6. Oh man we’re just in the process! I’m the kick ass barterer! We walked off the lot a week ago cause the refused to but on the price at all. We just got called back today! I think they’re beginning to see what they’re in for with me, but the new price is still too high and they’re going to be told!! I so love bartering! So did you finally get said van and fixed?


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