Merry Buy-All-the-Stuffmas

It’s that time of year…the one where I spend way too much time in a store that doesn’t involve aisle after aisle of food products. I mean, I go to the grocery store almost once a day, but as excited as I was to have Walmart come to town last year (you’d have to understand where I live), I find myself steering clear of that place unless I have to.

Or it’s December and I have to do Christmas shopping. I still haven’t figured out their grocery aisles yet.

I know where the Nutella is though.
I know where the Nutella is though.

So, before the big day gets here and I get to go back and review all the stuff the monsters seemed to pick as their favorites, I want to make my guesses. I’m rarely right at these things. I was convinced the year I bought them these ride-able Harley Davidson toys that it would be the big hit of the year. I made this whole production of wheeling them out into the living room and…they stared at them. Eventually I convinced them to get on, where one screamed in fear, and the other was too tiny to have enough strength to push the pedal down to get it to move. Then I realized, it wasn’t tiny that was the problem…the pedals were so hard, I had trouble pushing it down. So I was wrong. Cone of Shame me, already.

Do I expect this year to be different? Not likely. I always pick things I think are awesome. I wrap them up with these shaky fingers and imagine their little faces when they open it and I pretend like it won’t be one of those, ‘That’s cool’ as they toss it aside and dive in for the next glittery, sparkling, box/bag/thing.

Well, this is getting depressing. Let’s review some products, hmmm?

1. The daughter is getting the Ultimate Easy Bake Oven.

downloadNow, I haven’t yet figured out what is so different between this ultimate version and the regular one that I assume is out there somewhere, but I haven’t seen it anywhere. I think the daughter will like this. I mean, it provides a certain sense of ease when it comes to baking in the whole she-doesn’t-have-to-bug-me-to-cook thing. And I have to say, the people at Hasbro did an AWESOME job making one of these for boys. I mean, I’m not one for dictating colors, but let’s face it…kids do that crap. So the boy design is fantastic, and I highly approve of the message that, ‘Hey, kids…real boys cook, too.’

Oh, and we’re skipping out on the super expensive packs of food stuffs to make for this and going straight to some website my awesome mother found with like 68 homemade Easy Bake recipes. Here’s the site in case you are getting your monster an Easy Bake this year: Easy Bake Oven Recipes. Sorry Hasbro, but nobody wants to pay $14 for a pack of pretzel mix. I can get Aunt Annie’s mix for $8 at my local gas station.

2. She’s also getting an mp3 player. We went with the Eclipse 4gb version in this reddish pink tone that I think she’ll like. Not because we thought it was a better brand, but because it is the only brand Walmart in our area had and I wasn’t going anywhere else. Lazy…maybe. But this is her first ever mp3 player, and more than that, she’s only eight. She doesn’t need something super fancy. I didn’t realize this had all the cool attachments it did though.

spin_prod_ec_1061866910This thing comes with a camera and this super easy to use program to fix all the songs up so I could organize all her music on it in a way that an eight year old brain will be able to find it easily. Best part? It’s about $25 at Walmart. I mean, for an eight year old this is the perfect thing. Not some expensive thing you have to freak over when they lose it/step on it/drop it into the toilet/lend it to that kid who never gives stuff back…you know? Kid stuff.

3. The son is getting something like this:

download

Except his is blue and massive. I can’t even remember the name right now, but I’ll post it eventually, along with timed proof of how long this thing survives a five year old. I will give you one guess who picked this out…the same one who said, “He can’t break it”. Please let me pass on the Cone for this one.

Kidding. The boy is going to love this, so I would really rather it didn’t fall apart into little pieces the first time he rams it into the tree/hot tub/my car. I do like that there is a setting to turn it to 50% power, so younger kids can learn to use it. I mean, this is a strictly outside use toy. He’s going to love it. I just hope it holds up for him. Five year old boys aren’t known for their grace and gentleness.

4. Toothless the Fire Breathing Dragon toy is my favorite so far. I had no clue how big this thing was until I ordered it off Amazon. Granted…my fault for not reading the giant print where it said 22 inch long wingspan, but hey…who reads anymore?!

download (1)

Supposedly you can add cool water to this thing and it shoots out a bright blue mist that looks like fire. If it works…most awesome toy ever award. I’m still waiting for the proof that it works, but until then, I’m going to keep staring at the box in some kind of envy. I love Toothless.

Knowing my luck, we’re going to put water in this thing and it’ll just be one…really cute…big squirt gun.

We’ll see how my top choices pan out for the kiddos come Christmas day. In the meantime, let me give you my one definite WINNER and these two loooosers.

lipstick

Despicable Me 2 was by far the best kid’s movie I’ve seen recently. I mean, The Croods was a close one, but I just can’t help myself with the lipstick taser. I want one dammit.  I want one so I can kick my heel up, fling an arm back, and sing to the sky as I shock the heck out of…I’m sure I have a list somewhere of people I want to shock. The movie really was great. It was one of the few that kept the son’s attention, so he made it through the entire thing. Wow. We all loved it. The monsters spent entirely too long running around going, “Bee-do, bee-do, bee-do”, but it’s okay. I was singing “lipstick taser” in my head, so I can’t get too upset with them.

But that’s the winner. Here’s the losers. Beware the losers.

20168296-furreal-friends-cuddles-monkey-pet-01Cuddles. The fifty dollar robot monkey. This is a hot seller this year, and the daughter wanted it bad. Every time the commercial came on she squealed in a way that battled the One-Direction-is-on-TV squeal. I thought she liked this thing. I thought she did. I asked her today why she doesn’t get it down to play and I got the answer I’d been thinking since day one of turning this sucker on: “Cuddles just makes the same sounds again and again and again. She should grow up and talk some.”

So unless you are prepared for the fifty dollar robot monkey that only giggles in a monkey sound again…and again…and again…and AGAIN…Don’t get Cuddles. Skip out on this little fad and get a Furbie or something. They don’t even speak English and you still get more conversation.

The other loser…these things:

downloadIn the last month my grocery store has been featuring Lay’s new winner bag of chips all over the place. I’ve been staring at it like some kind of lustful slut puppy. But I’m a big chicken when it comes to trying new foods. I get all panicky, because I’m picky and my taste buds have a maturity level of a 8 year old boy, pre-hormones that make them eat everything and post I’ll-trust-mom-when-she-says-it-is-good.

But these…I mean…chips…cheese…garlic bread. This is some sort of witchcraft, right? No one should be able to combine such yummy flavors into one snack that I’m probably going to hate myself for eating when I reach the bottom of the bag in one setting…

Not quite.

No, these were the most horrendous, disgusting things I have tasted in a long time. So much garlic, this weird cheese that left an aftertaste, and this like fake bread flavoring. I didn’t even know such a flavor existed. Fake bread.

I had to wash the taste out with the cheap $4 bottle of gas station wine the husband bought me last night.

We keep it classy around here.


10 responses to “Merry Buy-All-the-Stuffmas”

  1. Okay seeing that bag of lays i just went no fooky way they made that crap. I love lays but dang those new flavours they let people make are horrendous.
    Last years hit here was furby but kids are scared of them. ANd i was nuts enough to have bought a furby 10 years or so ago and took it to work. it cried was hungry and learned English yeah. Imagine a grown up adult with a furby.
    love love the dragon so cooool tzzzzzz thanks for he tazzzzzzzer shock.

    No here we had arguments about those ovens and kitchens and vacuum cleaners. Yeah woman were angry we promoted girls to be domestic.
    starting to think you like that cone, lampshade. with every buzzzzzzzzzzzz of the tazzzzzzzzzzer you would light up.

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    • My issue with the new furbies..and so many of the toys is this expectation that every parent has an iPad or tablet that they allow their children to use. I have a Surface. It’s MINE. They have LeapPads…those are THEIRS. I am NOT buying a tablet so I can buy a toy for them to play with. It’s ridiculous.

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      • I hate that to buy this you need an ipad. What? Oh look a cool game only for ipad or android. And let that b two brands i despise. I totally agree with you it is to often ‘and also buy’ . but no need to get frustrated just use the lipstick tazer. We should get a richard prior as a toy.

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  2. I’m so jealous that you can buy wine in a gas station. I had to trek it to a proper liquor store to get the $7 bottle of wine I am currently downing. Also: I had no idea there were still easy bake ovens. Also Also: $50 for a stuffed robot?! What! I’m raising my children in a cave.

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    • Yes…they sell $4 wine and cheapo beer at one gas station in town. The wine is nothing more than glorified fruit juice mixed with nail polish remover. I’m pretty positive it scraped an acid path along my throat, which is perfect. I can now sing like Maria Brink (not even…).

      And may I bring my children to your cave? I like that idea. A land with no robot monkeys…or the robot spider my son wanted that was about a foot in diameter and I froze when I saw it. I couldn’t get that one. I would be living in a constant state of fear. -Shudders-

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      • Yick, a giant spider is what nightmares are made of. The few times I’ve hallucinated from taking Ambien or staying awake for days at a time it was giant spiders that I saw… no thank you! And that wine, if it does the trick, sounds soooo worth it. We bought super cheam communion-style wine at a 7-11 in Hong Kong… it went great with our loaf of bread and oreos…

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        • You hallucinate from Ambien? -Whispers- I am not the only one. I had a TERRIBLE reaction to that. It turned out to be a pretty funny story, as I heard it later told to me by my mother.

          Imagine it: Very (eight months or so) pregnant woman crawling around on the floor looking for her baby. Yep…I couldn’t find the BABY…that was INSIDE me.

          And there was some village under my blanket I was trying to save by carrying the light from under my door back to them. I’m so glad they give me that little bracelet in the hospital now that says “No Ambien” in gigantic letters.

          And I’ve never had wine with oreos. I prefer the cheapo brands with string cheese. Classy stuff.

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          • Oh my gosh this is an amazing story, I can’t imagine what that would have been like “Laura. The baby is RIGHT THERE.” AAhhhahaha And the light to the village sounds much more like my own experiences. That stuff is way weird, I had to dump it– could not be trusted on it!

            Wine and cheezits is probably my all time favorite…

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