Tuesday’s Grammar and Apologetic Penises

Thing 1:  Mama! Mama! Mama! I had the best dream.

Me:  Why are you up so early?

Thing 1:  Me and ______….

Me:  ______ and I…

Thing 1:   Yeah, ______ and I went to this night church party and there was Birdy (a big stuffed bird Thing 1 sleeps with every night) and he bobbed his head at us. It was great.

Me:  -Raises eyebrows- Sounds nice, hunny. I’m going to make coffee.

Thing 2: Yeah and Mama, I had dreams about bolcanos.

Me: VOL-canos.

Thing 2: Volcanos. Memember that?

Me: RE-member.

Thing 2: Re…Can I have a Pop-Tart?

It was about this point that I shoved Pop-Tarts at them both, said “bolcano” ten times fast in my head, simply because it makes me giggle, and proceeded with the coffee making.

And I’m out of creamer.

And my kitchen looks like the aftermath of said bolcano.

The conversations I have with my children amaze me. I wonder, when they come out so excited at o’dark thirty in the morning, what on earth is going through their minds that can make them possibly smile at this hour. Then they tell me about their dreams and…I still don’t really get the whole happy-in-the-morning thing.

There are times though, when they make me laugh. Take yesterday for example…my lazy son wouldn’t get his jeans on and so I grabbed Thing 2 (the son) and wrestled him into a pair. As I went to zip them up, he sucked in his belly real tight.

Me:  What are you doing? Stop that.

Thing 2:  I don’t want you to catch my naked.

Me:  I am not going to catch your naked and you have got to stop calling it that. It’s called a penis. Call it a penis.

Thing 2:  Penis.

…Odd Silence…

Thing 2:  Do you have a penis?

Me:  Nope.

And with the saddest eyes I’ve ever seen, he said to me:


It took entirely too long for me to figure out how to say, “I’m good. I don’t want one.” Of course, he looked at me like I’d temporarily lost my mind…I mean, who wouldn’t want a penis?!

Not this chic.

Not saying that this whole uterus thing is wonderful. I mean, there are certainly some design flaws, but it’s better than something hanging between my legs, bouncing around, and randomly calling the shots. No thank you.

Speaking of those who have penises:

The Man put his dinner for last night in the freezer to cool down before he stuck it in his lunch box. He ran out the door last night to head to work. The pasta was still in the freezer.

The Uncle spent the day speaking to the invisible man in the truck. The day before he talked to the people in the photo albums, so I suppose this is a step up. I’m wondering if he is seeing his reflection.

The Man also got to have a biology lesson from me.

Me:  You were gone for 33 hours. We missed it for this month.

The Man:  Why can’t we just do it now?

Me:  We can. But it’s probably not going to get me pregnant. I already had my LH spike for the month…while you were gone working…for 33 hours…and didn’t come home.

The Man:  You only get one spike a month?

Me:  Yep. And you have to be home when that happens. I can’t…miraculously conceive. I’ve tried. It doesn’t work.

The Man:   You women and your fucked up bodies. -Grabs penis- Thank god I’ve got this.

-Rolls eyes-

3 responses to “Tuesday’s Grammar and Apologetic Penises”

  1. “And I’m out of creamer”

    You are out of creamer and I am out of breath from laughing over reading this Laura!
    Oh MY God!
    You crack me up!
    Great one!
    “You are ‘very’ unique”

    (Now there is one for your grammar police!)


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